How can we remember? Ideas welcome…

Coping with loss and coming to terms with grief is such a complicated journey. Anyone who has lost a baby through miscarriage will know that it’s an odd thing to deal with.

People often say “its natural” or “it didn’t exist yet” or “its common – 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage” or “you can try again”…

All well meant attempts to help you to deal with this loss… but all of these offerings diminish the life that you held dear that was inextricably linked to your hopes, dreams and future. It feels like you are being told to forget and move on… but you can’t.

In the moment of loss my tears flowed hard and fast, sobs wracked my trembling body, I clung to my husband so hard I think I left bruises! The grief and loss were palpable, raw and very visual.

Gradually these intense emotions changed… waves of sadness caught me… often at unexpected times… I caught my breath as a mum with a bump walked by… I sneaked peaks as babies in prams and wished that they were mine… I tried to understand what went wrong and why, what the chance’s were of it happening again… if there was anything I could have done. I read online… a lot (probably too much). Searching, searching, searching… When people spoke to me they could see the sadness, especially when my eyes filled with tears ready to flow if I let them.

But now…

Less than a month later…

I’m different. I’ve skipped a lot of the details here because I need something different now. My loss and grief are no less than before. I still lost my first baby, my first pregnancy and a lot of my innocence.

I do not want to forget. But I do want to live.

I want to remember my Baby Allie in a positive way.

This tiny and brief life has taught me so much and I am grateful for the time I had no matter how short and how sad the outcome. Ever since that horrible Easter Monday I’ve been searching for positive ways to remember this little life and allow our own lives to continue…

Here are a few of the things that we have done to remember…

• The first thing I had to do was give the Baby a name. Initially Hubby was uncertain about this as he worried about the impact of me dwelling on what could have been. Now we’ve come to the understanding that we needed the acknowledgement that a name brings. This was real. We also felt that calling the baby “it” was awkward and felt wrong. So we chose Baby Allie. We will never know if they were a boy or a girl. The relief of having a name was huge. I did eventually share the Allie’s name with close family, a very big step,  which was very much appreciated by them too.
• Drawn all of our names in the sand, in a heart, and let the sea wash it away. In the very early days this was a helpful way to help us to let go and remember that all lives are but a brief moment in time.
• Talk… I have needed to talk about this lots, and sometimes the same bit over and over and over. I’m very grateful to all of those who have listened and helped in their own ways. It’s tough but everyone has been wonderful even if a people said things I wasn’t ready for or blundered along the way. The warmth and hugs and listening ear were exactly what I needed and I heard your sympathy and condolences no matter what you actually said.
• Blog… This has been a special one for me. By writing down all the things in my head I’ve been able to process them in a healthy way. A big breakthrough for me. The comments and love online has been amazing. I’m loving this wonderful online family. Miscarriage – silence is painful… how to help…
• Saying farewell… Our little one’s remains were cremated with other lost children and scattered in Worthing Crematorium. Dealing with the arrangements for this after having the scan was a big surprise, the hospital made it very easy to sort out, but I felt a little sad that we couldn’t attend a ceremony. As time passed the need to go and see where Baby Allie was resting became more and more urgent. This Saturday we packed up the car and made the journey. When we arrived I couldn’t believe how beautiful and perfect it was. A wild woodland with wildflower glades and meandering paths. I’d picked some forget-me-nots from our garden and tied a little posy to lay somewhere special, and all around were more forget-me-nots growing wild. We found the children’s garden of remembrance and behind it was a grove of birch trees. We laid the flowers and stood a while, comforting each other. We then wrote in the Book of Remembrance and all the while the tears flowed. We promised to never forget yet also to carry on with living and not let our grief prevent us from dreaming of a future.
• After saying our farewells we walked a while in the woodlands. Nearby was a geocache associated with the grounds and gardens. We love geocaching and its a big part of our fitness and especially my mental health. It felt fitting to visit and sign the logbook on this sad but special day.
• Flowers… a sad reminder that something died, as the bouquets at home started to fade and die too. I’ve been ignoring them but today I had to throw them out… but as I was about to take them out to the compost… the petals fell… and I couldn’t help but admire their beauty. So I took some photos and enjoyed them for one last time.
• Something to carry with me… I’ve recently started to collect charms on two bracelets. The first one was a gift from my sisters-in-law and has some lovely colourful glass beads and holiday mementos… the second was one that I bought for myself. A leather one that wraps around twice. I wanted it to be comfortable for wearing each day with some very personal charms that help me cope with everyday life. I’d already added a knot charm at the start of our trying to conceive journey – it reminds me that life can tie us in knots but that I’m strong enough to cope. I knew that I wanted something for this lost little life… but what? We looked around and I chose a bead with a heart within a heart, just as I held Baby Allie in my heart and my body.

These little things have really helped me to personally process my grief and draw an end to this short but hugely important chapter in our lives. I doubt this chapter will ever be truly closed and I’m sure that the next chapters will call upon it many times.

While these things helped me, they won’t be right for everyone. My greatest advice is to go with what you feel strongly about… the things you just have to do. Do them. No one should judge you for these choices, they are what you need and that is the most important thing.

If you have any suggestions or would like to share your thoughts and feelings I would love to hear from you…

The Tale of Mummyhood