Yes that’s a baby… according to the scan lady.
“There it is!” she exclaims…
“Where?” asks my befuddled Hubby!
“See that fluttering?”… “that’s the heart beating”…
“ok, wow!” we both murmur.
So this is really, really early: about 6 weeks and 4 days. I’ve been having quite a lot of one-sided pain and finally gave in to the Hubby’s demands that I check in with the midwife team and see whether anything is amiss. I have totally been putting this off for a number of reasons. I “knew” that as soon as I called in and mentioned pain that it was highly likely that I would be called in for an early scan, mostly because of the miscarriage I had in April.
My main reason for not wanting a scan is a deep fear that I may miscarry this little one too. Seeing it’s heart beating on a scan and then later not was high up on the worry list. I’ve struggled quite a bit with hopes of wanting this pregnancy to be successful and fears of loss and grief if it is not. Would it make it worse to have seen it alive as well as dead? I hope that I don’t have to find out.
So when I finally called, I was assured that the pain was probably just ligaments stretching and nothing to worry about. A lovely midwife took a note of all of the symptoms and said to rest and take paracetamol if I needed it, but to go to A&E if it became acute or I got shoulder pain (all signs of eptopic pregnancy).
I was a little surprised to get a wake up call from the EPAC (Early Pregnancy Assessment Clinic) next morning. “Please come in for a scan”… ok, right… I guess I’ll do as I’m told. I hadn’t said anything about my fears and worries and if they thought I should have a scan then I don’t know any better to decline.
Managed to extract Hubby from work and got ourselves up to the hospital. I refused to sit in “that chair” in the waiting room from the fateful day last Easter. I assumed it would have to be an internal scan so dutifully emptied bladder and then when the scan lady tried the external scan it wouldn’t work… oops! So I had to put up with the uncomfortable internal scan.
It didn’t take long for her to find this tiny quivering little mass that is hopefully going to grow into a healthy baby. 3.5mm long! How on earth do they find these things?! Apparently the denser white blob in the fluffy stuff at the right hand side of the dark void (gestational sack) is the head!
I’m not really sure what emotions are running through me at this point… the main one I think was relief… one baby… not two. Phew! I’m still reserved enough to know that the reassuring presence of the heartbeat is still a tentative thing. Fingers crossed and touch wood (and any other luck inducing superstitions) that this little life is here to stay and that there is gold at the end of the rainbow.