Today was Baby Allie’s true due date. Sadly we met them far too soon at just 9 weeks old. As the blood flowed and hope faded I held your tiny body in my hand and the waves of sadness crashed over me.
Such a simple word that many people do not have to suffer, often dismissed in hollow platitudes of what was never meant to be. Yet it’s more common that most know and leaves an indelible mark upon those it touches.
You were my first child Baby Allie and I never even knew whether you were a boy or a girl.
With you died the innocence of pregnancy. No longer the simple journey from two to three. No longer the bouncy, happy and dreamy next step in our lives.
The last few weeks have been very hard. I’ve sobbed so many times as little things remind me of you and I have flashbacks to the vision of you held in my hand, not in my body where you belonged. Yesterday I was even at the hospital where you would have been born, seeing newborn babies emerging blinking into the light with their proud but exhausted parents carefully carrying them home. But I was on the next floor, at the eye clinic with my elderly friend, not in labour or making those first tentative steps.
Nothing can bring you back or explain why I’m not here with you cradled in my arms. Yet there is hope in the darkness. As I write your little brother or sister wriggles in my belly, a baby I would not have known had you stayed. Hope lives on in another child and the dream is reborn.
Part of me is very sad that this baby has been carried with great anxiety and fear. That they didn’t know the pure wash of positive emotions you received. Each milestone reached has come without the assumption that it will be passed and we will become the family we dream of. Life has taken on a more fragile edge.
Yet I have many things to thank you for, and despite being incredibly sad, I would like you to know…
You were loved and wanted with all our hearts.
We did everything possible to bring you safely into this world.
Your life confirmed to us that we really were ready to be parents despite the pain and suffering. We were strong enough to survive your loss and it brought us together even more.
You taught us about the fragility of life and we don’t take it for granted. We now live far more in the present and celebrate the little things that really matter.
You will always have a special place in our hearts.