Today marks one year from losing our first pregnancy to a miscarriage. While the sadness remains, today has mostly been about counting our blessings and being very thankful for the small warm snuggly bundle of love curled up asleep on my lap.
The devastation we felt that fateful day last Easter could have broken us. It could have made us change our minds about having a child. We could have fallen into despair.
We were strong together. We supported each other. We shared our grief and found ways to remember. Then we looked to the future and decided to try again.
So today we have an 8 week old baby girl who we love so so much. She’s absolutely perfect and although the journey has been full of twists, turns and bumps… we are loving every part of this incredible experience. We are so immensely proud and thankfully that we get to take this journey.
Today I went in search of the rainbow…
Four years today we’ve had our red wagon and now we have a red baby wagon to match. All this is possible thanks to the generosity of family.
I will forever associate the taste of lemons with the awesome and amazing water birth of our baby girl. A lemon jelly baby was one of the only things I ate during the speedy birth.
Sometimes beautiful things come from seeds sown well over a year ago. Patience can be rewarded.
I did not think that pink would be such a big thing until little one arrived and now I delight in so many beautiful and girly things for my baby. I am developing an amazing muslin collection.
New green growth is flourishing everywhere. The rhubarb is rising and it’s almost time to start making wine again. We’ve celebrated the arrival of our rainbow baby with last year’s rhubarb wine. Family and friends around the country joined in with wine stashed “just in case”.
This beautiful purple clematis caught my eye on our little local walk. It reminded me of the pure white clematis I noticed and took photos of while grieving. It reminded me that it’s ok to be sad, to grieve, to mourn and most of all… to remember the little life that I carried for a while.
This morning I washed up while little one bounced happily in her chair and gurgled to me. Her little smiles make my day so bright and I am grateful to have rediscovered what it is to be truly happy. The simple things are now the big things.
Forget me not. We will never forget but the world keeps turning and without our loss we wouldn’t have our baby girl. It’s bittersweet and I hope that somewhere Allie’s little soul is smiling upon her little sister.
I would not be where I am today without all the pain, joy, heartache, hope, fear, awe, misery, elation, anxiety, gratitude, agony, and love.
So today I am thankful for Allie and the lessons learnt on the rollercoaster to becoming a parent to my beautiful rainbow baby.
Good luck if you are still on your rainbow journey.